Hey oh y’all,
It was unexpected. Then again, can you ever prepare for
such?
Sadly, two days ago my host father passed away. He had been
sick for a while, was in the hospital, and couldn’t speak, but still. At what
point do you want to prepare yourself for such?
That day’s wake-up call wasn’t the easiest. Even my poor
Japanese (especially my Japanese in the morning) could understand what my host
mother was saying, but that didn’t exactly help the situation. I mean, what do
you do (especially if you never learned the phrase “you have my condolences”)?
And then how are you supposed to act after?
I respect my host mother so much – she managed to put on a
brave face and calmly let me know what was going on. She even cracked a few
jokes and whatnot – she said this was a good “learning experience, ne?” which
it sadly is.
Out of respect for my host family, I did not even bother to
ask about taking pictures. So you will have to bear with my description or
imagine it in your head. I will try to give as best of a recreation as
possible.
But first a moment for my host father – admittedly he was sick
the entire time I’ve been here so I wasn’t able to meet with him that much. But
he was really nice when I first came home – he had taken the time to read my
bio and buy me a Pokémon gift! And although he couldn’t speak, I could
understand him perfectly (much more so than perhaps my km-a-minute-talking
speed grandma). Also, according to all his friends, he was amazing at
karaoke – man I wish I could have heard that.
So learning about death in Japan. If anything, it moves
quickly.
It starts, uncomfortably enough, with bringing the body home
on the day of the death and placing it in your tatami living room near your
family shrine. You lay him down on a futon and cover with a blanket (you can
choose either to reveal the face or not – if you do reveal…it’s kind of scary)
You leave a bowl of rice with the chopsticks standing up (this is why you do
NOT do this in restaurants) and burn incense sticks at a table by the head. The
local priest/monk will come and say a prayer, and your close friends and family
will come and visit to say their prayers.
The next day is the wake or tsuya. The local ceremony hall
picks up the body and dresses him up. He is placed into a casket and there is a
large photo and several flower arrangements. The display is brightly lit. Next
to the casket are a lot of candles, a cask of expensive wine, a bowl of rice
with the chopsticks standing up, and several food items that represent the
deceased. There are also Buddhist items – bell, incense, fan, etc. for the
monk.
In Japan they say you are born a Shinto, married a Christian, and die a Buddhist.
Here religion is not nearly as separate or as well defined as in America –
there is no one saying you always have to go to church on Sundays, don’t eat
pork, etc. (though there are other interesting rituals – especially for the
ascetic or zen practices but we can cover that later). What I mean to say is
that one is not just one religion, but there are well defined rituals that most
Japanese do or at the very least are aware of and understand – the burial
process is one of them. Most people here will be buried using a Buddhist
ceremony even if they are not a “practicing” or “devout” Buddhist.
Long story short – most people here are buried using
Buddhist ceremonies even if they do not call themselves a devout Buddhist. In
much the same way a Christian funeral is done, there is a Buddhist monk who
comes and performs a cleansing ritual and says a long sutra (prayer
equivalent). I don’t even know what is said (and neither apparently did my host
grandmother…), but I did hear “nami abu dabu” a lot. If anyone knows the ritual
and the translation please let me know.
So the ritual mainly consists of prayers, bows, and incense
offering. You start with the head of the family who bows to the rest of the
family, the guests, and then the deceased. He approaches, gives 3 pinches of
incense, then says a prayer and bows. Then the family follows, one at a time.
Lastly, all the guests do the same – bow, approach, 3 pinches, prayer, bow. As
the guests finish, they leave and are handed a gift.
After, the close family and friends have a private dinner in
a nearby room. After the dinner, the immediate family spends the night in the
next room. The next morning is the funeral.
Before the funeral, the family takes photos with the casket,
flower display, and large photo of the deceased. Then the funeral is much like
the prior day ceremony – Buddhist monk chant, bowing, praying, and incense.
Then a eulogy is read. Then the flowers and important items are placed in the
casket. One nice touch was that the friends and family gave my host father one
last drink by dipping a leaf into the wine and then placing it on his lips.
Then the casket is closed, and the funeral is over.
If you do attend a Japanese funeral, do not worry too much
about the ritual itself. Just follow the person in front of you as best as you
can. As long as you don't do anything too outlandish, the family and other guests will understand. And
more bowing and praying never hurt anyone (even I, master of all things mistakes, got nods of approval).
Oh and wear a suit and black tie – no not a bow tie (this is
not an American “black tie” event). Black tie here means plain black tie.
Interestingly enough, you can buy said black tie at a local department store
and you will find a section dedicated to such formal wear – they even sell
prayer beads and handkerchiefs alongside it…as if they know exactly the reason
you are buying said tie…
Now of course I say all this seemingly with the hint of understanding.
I admit, at the time, I had no idea what I was doing or what I should be doing.
With that, all I can say is that I hope I did my best to help the family
through their tough time and that I didn’t do anything too offensive. I hope
silence and a solemn bow was good enough.
I hope as you read these words you take a moment to remember
your own lost loved ones. Best wishes to everyone.
-DC
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